Here’s Breaking News No One Gives A @#$ About

Just a few days into 2015, Boston will impress practically no one by opening a time capsule from 1795! Beantown hasn’t had this much excitement since some racially-sensitive guy during the Battle of Bunker Hill yelled to his troops, “Don’t fire until you see the whites!”

The time capsule was buried under a cornerstone of the Boston State House in that year by giddy-yap patriot and silversmith Paul Revere. With him at the sober ceremony was Massachusetts Gov. Sam Adams, who later staggered away from politics to open a brewery.

This ancient blogger, though not quite as old as the buried box, believes they’ll find the following info when they dig it up:

1. Tom Jefferson’s feather pen, the one he used to write the Declaration of Independence. He ran out of ink just as he was about to predict that his favorite New England Patriots, quarterbacked by another Tom (Brady), would win the 2015 Super Bowl.

2. George Washington’s Polygrip and Paul Revere’s saddle sore salve were the revolutionary miracle drugs of the time. Unfortunately, the Hessian cavalrymen didn’t speak English and used them wrong. It’s what caused those Germans to get their butts chewed out at the Battle of Trenton.

3. Your history teacher got it wrong. Ben Franklin flew a drone, not a kite. The brilliant guy actually invented drones, and that’s why today every government office in Washington is full of them.

4, As our history books tell us, the first patriot killed at the Boston Massacre by British Redcoats was actually an African-American guy named Crispus Attucks. Before the gunsmoke had cleared, Al Sharpton arrived on the next stagecoach.

5. Benedict Arnold was condemned as a traitor and had to flee to England. Being exiled was punishment enough, but why was he forced to spend the rest of his life eating bubble & squeak, bangers & mash and spotted dick?

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