When very young, we see the world as one big mystery, and adults omnipotent beings. Parents start it all with speech and potty training, and then teachers instruct us on everything else. Later, in sports or armed services, coaches get us in shape to maim or kill other youngsters in games or combat.
It takes us awhile to discover the truth, that authority figures are as human as we kids, with the same weaknesses in body and mind. Only the fact that they’re older gives them the right to control our little minds and bodies. For example, I was told very young that bladder and bowel activities are taboo subjects in polite conversation.
Although the trend is getting down and dirty in some contemporary entertainment, you don’t often see those natural functions discussed openly. It took me awhile to learn the truth. My revelation happened more than 80 years ago at about age seven or eight. It happened while paging through a magazine layout of movie star Mae West’s home.
One photo showed her bathroom, and to my great surprise, her toilet bowl was right there for all to see. I was shocked! I just couldn’t imagine such a fantasy creature ever actually needing to sit on the toilet like an ordinary mortal!
As my mind matured somewhat, I could envision other famous people doing it, as we all must several times a day. It took me years to accept that along with movie stars, kings, queens, presidents, dictators, generals, admirals and preachers also require toilet breaks. Therefore, let’s imagine important moments when famous real and fictional heroes had to do the same:
Hamlet: To wee, or not to wee, that is the question.
Marc Anthony: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your key to the latrina.
Ben Franklin: Early to bed, early to rise, get to the john before other guys.
John Paul Jones: I have not yet begun to fight, but just you wait till I get off the pot.
Pogo: We have met the enema, and just barely in time.
Elvis: You ain’t nuthin’ but a hound dog, but did you have to do it on my blue suede shoes?
And, of course, Mae West: When you’re feelin’ flush, come up ‘n’ see me sometime.