Scientists May Find The Key To Living Forever

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Recent studies from universities in both the U.S. and Great Britain claim medical advances will soon prolong human life indefinitely. Immediate response from all my old pals at the local nursing home: Oh, sure, NOW you tell us the ƒ∆∂ßæ good news!

All you younger people out there in cyberspace, consider the endless possibilities of eternal life! Better still, imagine a hilarious Mel Brooks movie about a world of really, really, really old people. Hey, Methuselah, you’re only 900. Go sit at the kiddies’ table!

In reality, of course, humans are too stupid and self-destructive to allow such progress to happen. There’s always war, terrorism, nutcase religion, murder, booze, gluttony, nicotine and other deadly addictions. Even in a perfect world, Mother Nature will always find many ways to cull the herd.

However, it can be fun to imagine a deathless future. How about all the candles on birthday cakes! And should there be a Sweet Sixteen party at age 1,600? Think of your just-out-of-college brainy brother, with six BAs, 5 MBAs, 4 PhDs, 3 MDs and 2 JDs. And the best job he can get is flipping Big Mac burgers.

Consider some of the more serious consequences. Will Madonna and Bruce Jenner still look young after their 598th botox and facelift procedures? Will Taylor Swift still be able to twerk after age 987? Will the producers of The View rehire Rosie O’Donnell for the 1,507th time? Will marijuana be legal in at least one more state?

Even more troublesome are public scenes when there’s eternal life. If you think things are crowded now, consider endless waiting lines at doctors’ offices, airports, restaurants, theaters and public restrooms. Don’t even think about showing up at the driving license bureau.

And, of course, as in one of Mel Brooks’ early themes from his 2,000-year-old man routine: Will a sad dad complain that of the hundreds of children he begat over the centuries, not one takes the time these days to pick up a SmartPhone and call him?

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