What Messages Would You Beam To Other Worlds?

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For decades, scientists have had their ears glued to sophisticated hearing devices, trying to detect signals to Earth from far-away planets inhabited by intelligent beings. So far, nothing from space but total silence.

Frustrated researchers in the United Kingdom and America are now considering ways to beam messages from Earth out into the universe to potential alien listeners. With ever-more powerful communications equipment, they believe someone out there will eventually comprehend the messages and come visit us.

I’ve been pondering this breakthrough for decades. So, here are some words I’d send out there somewhere to someone:

Message to Space Aliens: When approaching Earth traffic, be sure you’re not texting while driving the spaceship. You could get ticketed.

If you plan to land on Bourbon Street in New Orleans this week, your little green man outfits will fit right in with Mardi Gras. The same applies on the Las Vegas Strip, Hollywood Boulevard and Times Square at any time.

When you do land and are approached by earthlings, please don’t ask: take me to your Bieber.

If you come to Earth with peaceful intentions, you may face an unfriendly reception. Brian Williams and Hillary Clinton will claim you shot at them.

If you aliens land near the Texas-Mexican border, you’ll immediately qualify for drivers’ licenses, healthcare and voting ballots.

If your spaceship lands in downtown Boston, you’ll need skis and snowboards.

Be warned that earthlings will expect everyone on your spaceship to be green. You may have problems if your crew includes 50 shades of grey.

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