What’s Next: An Awards Show For Best Awards Show?

 

This old ranter is overwhelmed by the constant glut of awards shows on TV, and all the hoopla and glamor that go with them. It seems every time people in Hollywood or Broadway turn on a camera or sing a song, it begats some kind of awards show to recognize the supposedly best of ‘em. 

Therefore, I nominate a new program for the upcoming season, the ultimate awards show to honor the previous season’s best awards show. Why do I dare to make such a preposterous proposal? Possibly, because as a young writer for the now-long-gone Beverly Hills Citizen daily newspaper, I attended the year’s biggie, the 1955 Academy Awards event. It was at Hollywood’s Pantages Theatre, and I craftily wrangled a VIP seat.

When I called the Academy office the previous week, I said I was booking a seat for my boss, the newspaper’s owner, Will Rogers, Jr. Knowing he’d be out of town on Oscar night, I didn’t mention that fact and succeeded in getting the ticket. 

Seated in the audience on one side of me was famed crooner Bing Crosby and on the other, Dolores Hope, wife of the night’s host, Bob Hope. Of course, they didn’t know who the hell I was, the grinning geek in rented tux. 

They assumed I was someone important, and were very friendly. I don’t recall the Oscar winners, but clearly remember my night at the Pantages 60 years ago, surrounded by men in spiffy tuxes and women all gussied up in expensive evening gowns and furs. 

Flash forward to these days, when for all awards shows, the dress code is to cause shock and aaawwww. Instead of formal duds, the hirsute stars and sloppy wannabes strut the red carpet in tattered jeans, low-riders, dayglo shoes, peek-a-boo blouses, backless gowns and other creative costumes. Because awards shows are getting more frequent and outlandish, each attendee must go all out to out-schlock everyone else.

Therefore, I repeat my blindingly brilliant idea: let’s have an annual awards show to honor the most creative awards show of the previous year. And by the way, be sure to mark your calendars so you won’t miss the World Armenian Entertainment Awards on May 10. 

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