1. Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Fuggetabotit! If you wanna survive today, you actually need to screw unto others before they can do it unto you.
2. Honesty is the best policy: Yeah, ask those Wall Streeters, oil company execs, defense industry billionaires, Hillary/Bill, Donald Trump and other squeaky-clean politicians how they all got so filthy rich.
3. Don’t run with scissors: You might accidentally trip and design an ass-busting Kardashian kostume.
4. Don’t go to sleep angry: Some schmuck may have short-sheeted your bed, and that will really piss you off all night long!
5. Money is the root of all evil: That’s why I’m always rooting to get my evil hands on some.
6. Ye reap what ye sow: Sounds profound, but I’ve never figured out what it means. Of course, unless its about sowing, growing and reaping your own little old marijuana patch.
7. Honest pay for an honest day’s work: Have you ever attended a session of Congress?
8. A soft answer turneth away wrath: No, a swift poke in the eye and/or kick in the ass is much more effective.
9. Marijuana smoking doesn’t harm your brain: That’s absatively true, and further …er… duh … what did I say?
10. You can drive, chew, drink, smoke, vape, listen, selfie and talk on your SmartPhone all at the same time. So, Mr. Funeral Director, when are the last rites for the recently-deceased driver?