After my young dad died when I was four, I spent ten years in a residence school for fatherless boys. We were required to attend chapel daily and twice on Sundays. Sermons and readings were from both the Old and New Testaments. Although some of the kids were Jewish, there was considerable Christian emphasis on the life of Jesus, portraying him as the pure son of God, as written in the Scriptures.
However, according to a recent article in USA Today, many theories are surfacing that there are historic indications Jesus was married. Several years ago, a scrap of 2,000-year-old papyrus allegedly reveals his earthbound domestic life.
Thus, based on that premise, can you imagine the radical changes now that may be required when telling the story of Jesus. How about a gospel according to Mrs. Jesus, alleged to be the former Ms. Mary Magdalene, as she espoused it to her spouse.
Must you always go out preaching with those 12 guys? Just for once, can’t you stay home and preach to your wife?
There you go again! Tracking all that wet into the house. The rugs are soaked! Do you have to keep doing the walk on water miracle routine just to impress everyone?
And speaking of miracles, cool it with the Virgin Mary story you’ve been telling about your mom. That’s so birds and bees stuff.
When you went to that wedding feast and turned water into wine, everyone marveled at your miracle. So, why can’t you do it all the time? We’d make a fortune when we open the J&M Wine Bar on Sunset Boulevard.
Did you know the cops were mad as hell after you overturned the tables and chased the money changers out of the temple? Didn’t you realize that the local polititians were being paid under those tables.
And what about your raising Lazarus from the dead? If you can make him come back to life as a woman, it’ll get you offers of jazzillions of bucks for a movie of the week and other deals from all the TV networks.
And my biggest gripe of all, dear husband, is when you went up on the mountain and did the magic act with just five loaves and two fishes. From that, you fed 5,000 people! And you came home with not one little scrap of leftovers for your wife!
All right, all right already. I realize that an historic religious icon has to do what he needs to do. He shouldn’t have to suffer abuse all the time with a nagging wife. But, I guess that’s your cross to bear …. ooops, sorry about that remark.