Hey, Ya Old Coot! Wanna Live To Age 1,000?

Smart-ass scientists now claim medical advances and other voodoo studies predict lifespans will eventually grow by a factor of ten.

Them lab nerds ain’t giving us no new news. According to the Holy Bible, Noah went sailing in his ark at age 600. Also, an old goat chaser named Methuselah almost made it by checking out close to his 970th birthday. He probably expired while trying to blow out the candles on his birthday cake.

When thinking about it, we can imagine that scientists will be able to prolong life with advanced meds and other health boosters. However, let’s get real. It wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference in mankind’s future.

The scientists should know that humans are permanently infected with a never-ending urge to destroy each other. We keep doing it by religions, politics, greed and other stupid reasons for wholesale murder.

Therefore, it isn’t likely that the potential 1,000-year-old man or anyone else on this troubled planet will ever live past the ultimate nuclear explosion. And we all know it will inevitably be detonated by some radical religious freak anticipating his postmortem reward of 72 Kardashians.

Living ten centuries does create interesting scenarios. It brings back fond memories of the great comedy routines of Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner, titled “The Two Thousand-Year-Old Man.”

My favorite is Mel’s old-guy lament that over the centuries he begat hundreds of children, but not one of them ever picks up the phone to call their loving dad. While I couldn’t match Mel’s creativity in considerably more than 2,000 years, here are several attempts in the form of questions. The silly premise is that many will make it to age 1,000:

Will Justin Bieber still be squawking teenage love songs at age 199?

Must you be 650 to qualify for Social Security?

Is it OK for a 120-year-old Boy Scout to help a little 900-year-old lady cross the street?

Will kids have to wait until they’re 160 to get drivers’ licenses, and age 210 to buy booze?

Will Bill Clinton still be er… socially active at age 900?

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