OK To Euthanize Oldsters In Merry Olde England

The United Kingdom may not be so merry about its elderly now that doctors are able to kill patients ages 75 and up if they’ll agree to sign ‘do not resuscitate’ orders.

The British government’s medical program now legally permits doctors to ask the elderly if they want to kick the bucket, shuffle off this mortal coil, assume room temperature and, of course, agree to be snuffed. In other words: “Hey, you old coot! You’re gonna die soon anyhow, so stop hanging around taking up space!”

I’ll be 92 in just a few months, and hope no one has considered killing me yet. No such attempts have been made on me since a bunch of Japanese guys tried when I was in the Navy back in World War 2, and some other angry Asians a few years later during the Korean War.

The Bible says the normal lifespan is three score years and ten (or 70, if you’re not a Bible-readin’ man or woman). The considerate British lawmakers were so veddy, veddy kind to add another five, adding up to 75. If I were in England now, their sawbones would compute that I was a decade and a half late in obeying the new edict.

However, if they insisted, I’d offer some more Biblical quotes and mention a really old guy named Methuselah. That sexy senior citizen begat all kinds of kids after he was way over centuries old. If he were still around today, he could be the perfect spokesprophet for Viagra.

Let’s take a moment to consider the history of some elderly people who could’ve been rubbed out at 75, and the world would’ve been a poorer place for it:

Ben Franklin was 81 when he helped write the Constitution in 1787. At 82, Winston Churchill served in Parliament and wrote a History of English Speaking People. Henry Kissinger, now 93, is still advising Presidents.

Some show-biz greats were known for their longevity: Bob Hope was entertaining GIs at age 90, and George Burns performed in Las Vegas at 99. Marlene Dietrich also starred in Sin City until age 80.

Many are still going strong today. Betty White is 95 and continues acting in hit TV shows. Doris Day, 93, maintains her activism in animal rescue programs. Kirk Douglas, 100, stars in a current autobiographical stage and video documentary. Angela Lansbury, 91, recently won a Tony Award for her Broadway role in Noel Coward’s “Blithe Spirit.”

Therefore, to all you British and other medical experts, I make a plea. Before you pull the plug, make sure your elderly patient doesn’t have another decade or two to make your world a better one. And don’t forget, if you let ’em live, you’ll be hauling in even more fee$ from your grossly-overpriced medical bills.

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