‘Tis time of year for outdoor barbecues and outrageous gas prices. Greedy global oil companies and disgustingly wealthy Middle East sheiks will get ever richer. Of course, U.S. politicians will look heartbroken while reaching under the table to take more oily bribes.
Therefore, the summer, which may be about as empty as your car’s gas tank, can bring some drastic and discouraging changes to our driving habits. It will require severe cutbacks in the use of gasoline for many activities we once took for granted. For instance:
1. Cash-strapped families will no longer be able to go camping in their gas-guzzling SUVs. The big cars permanently up on blocks in driveways of foreclosed houses they used to own.
2. Redneck car racing fans will now have to go to Talladega to swig beer, smoke joints and cheer on their thrilling NASCAR pogo stick racers.
3. The few remaining Los Angeles freeway freak road hogs will be so lonely they’ll have to shoot at highway signs instead of each other.
4. Shoe company profits will skyrocket because each walker who once rode in cars will wear out a dozen pairs of shoes a year. Good news is that shoemaker slave-labor kids in China will go into overtime, and their pay will skyrocket from 10 cents to 15 cents a day.
5. Dogs will become so frustrated with too few cars to chase, they’ll have to run after little old ladies in electric wheelchairs.
6. Passengers at airports will line up to buy tickets for the 3:15 p.m. Zeppelin flight to Vegas. Savvy travel agents will warn them that they should avoid the Hindenburg route.
7. Electricity will become so expensive, families will have to gather around nightly to watch Family Feud by candlelight.
8. NASA will construct a huge rubber-band slingshot to launch spacecraft into the sky. Ten-nine-eight-seven-six-five-four-three-two-one … snap!
9. Instead of gas-guzzling station wagons, families will have to buy Conestoga wagons pulled by oat-guzzling horses.
10. In big cities, former taxi customers will complain that you can never find a rickshaw when you really need one.