We’re being overwhelmed by countless breaking news tales about dirty old guys molesting innocent young wannabe actors and actresses. However, let’s face the truth. Disgusting or divine, sex is our basic primeval requirement to keep the human race from dying out.
Whether it happens in a honeymoon suite, back seat of a car, up a tree, behind the bushes or on a casting couch, it’s the natural reproduction process of animals, including humans. Of course, at this moment, it’s the various distortions of the natural sex urge that make movie moguls, TV news anchors, scheming women and lawyers happy to gab endlessly about how evil it is.
Since history began, human sexual behavior has been controlled by tribal elders, whether they be priests, kings or politicians. They make strict behavior rules that must be obeyed, despite the simple fact is that the basic urge too often goes against those restrictions.
So, whatever your urgent plans are to perform the Mother Nature routine, go right ahead. Of course, be sure to feel just a little bit guilty. That way you’ll enjoy it much more.
The AP recently reported that local cops arrested two old guys who operated a prostitution business in their senior center apartment in Massachusetts. They ran ads on adult websites to lure customers. The current legal charges against them include “dangerousness”, whatever the hell that means.
Just imagine the familiar phrases they distorted to entice clients to their shamefulness business:
We practice assisted loving for the barely living.
All our girls wear sexy pink Depend adult diapers.
Are the prices lower for early bird special clients who come before 6 pm?
Do AARP participants get free samples for their members?
Make this happy season more meaningful by contributing to an organization that provides aid for the unfortunate. Consider poor people you encounter in your travels at home and around the world.
Donate to traditional national and international groups, such as the Salvation Army and Red Cross, as well as local church and others. They’ll appreciate your help for those in need.
One of the latest sexual predators outed among the many already cringing in the spotlight, Senator Al Franken had recorded a speech to be included among the Mark Twain Award telecast tributes to David Letterman. However, because of Al’s naughty, naughty behavior, the producers wanted to keep the virgin purity of the show by sending him to the cold, cold showers.
Those PBS moguls must be totally clueless about the laughable irony of the situation. The same accusations of inappropriate sexual behavior by female members of his staff happened to Letterman just a short time ago. Of course, once outed, he apologized. We can only guess that in showbiz, that wipes the dirty slate clean, and Letterman emerges pure as his snowy beard.
Among other outed older gropers, rapers and seducers, Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein are now said to be undergoing the psychological procedure called sexual rehabilitation. What are the studies involved with that cure?
We can only imagine the required classroom courses of education in that subject, along with cold showers and watching Roseanne Barr videos. For example…
Students, our classroom test program today begins with standing with your pants zippers open. Then, when a 14-year-old walks by, at the sound of my whistle, I want to hear those zippers zapped closed as quickly as greased lightning.
And remember, you horny old creeps, 21 is the age of consent. Any actions with females or males over that tender age will include courtroom appearances and hefty lawyer’s fees.
Those students who flunked today’s tests must remain in the classroom for another hour to write on the blackboard 100 times: I am a horny old bastard, and I’ll never, ever grope groins again.
A study at the University of Arizona in Tucson claims those pain-in-the-ass people who are mean to everyone else are most prone to mental illness. Hey, I can prove it. For example:
Sex maniac Hollywood producer who generally makes major military movies will insanely grab your privates.
Your nuttily evil boss will demote you for not bowing down and sucking up.
Crabby cabbie who grossly overcharges, curses no-tip you in a foreign language.
Crazy waiter who knows you’re a cheap tipper will spit in your spaghetti alfredo.
Same with nation’s most horny nutcase Presidents #35, #41 and #45. You name ‘em.
Thanks to readers who commented favorably on my recent Picassoesque foto post of a doggie in a store window. Here’s another one shot from the sidewalk into a nearby health club storefront window. The lettering on the glass tells all about what’s going on inside. Pablo would appreciate the abstract composition of Look, Ma, No Hands!