Tag Archives: Napoleon

Stories Of Sexual Misbehavior Still Dominate The News

USA Today just published a not-too-surprising survey that declared 94% of all women in the movie business said they were sexually harassed or assaulted. Also in recent news reports big Vegas mogul Steve Wynn, Disney executives and others are still being outed as horny harassers.

Maybe this awful practice should stop, but wait a minute. How about other infamous molesters and their influence on human history. For example, none of us would ever have been born if Adam hadn’t seduced Eve. Rutting Romeo would’ve been kicked off the balcony by Juliet.

Helen of Troy wouldn’t need Trojans. Cleopatra would never have busted her asp for Mark Antony. If Josephine had refused Napoleon, he would have kept both hands in his vest. Scarlett would’ve made Rhett fret. Queen Victoria would’ve put Prince Albert in a tobacco can. And the old woman who lived in a shoe would have birthed no kids to share the shoe. Oh, the humanity!

Hillary Clinton Making Millions On “How I Lost”

Her lecture tour about losing the election is expected to bring Hillary enormous riches. Conor McGregor, who just lost that dance contest to Floyd Mayweather made more than $100 million.

What if other losers in history had profited by having their butts kicked? For example:

Napoleon after Waterloo: My millions for loser speaker fees are tucked safely here in my shirt.
Cornwallis vs Washington in Yorktown: Damn it! I wanted to call that new city Cornwallis DC!
Kaiser Wilhelm after World War 1: OK, we lost. Let’s get another guy with a funny mustache and try again in another 20 years.
Hitler in WW2 Berlin Bunker: Nope, Willy, we lost our deutscher arsches again.
Robert E. Lee: Now that the damn Yankees won the Civil War, they’ll go on to win all those World Series.
David vs Goliath: Dave won because I was stoned.
Czar Nicholas vs Lenin: Ty che, blyad! I lost at Russian roulette.

Many Historic Leaders Look Like Clowns

With the closing of Barnum & Bailey, we mourn the end of many centuries of colorful circus clowns. However, the equally long history of weird-looking world leaders continues, unfortunately with no indication it will ever stop.

Back in olden times, there were clownish guys, including Rome’s Nero and Attila the Hun. Later, along came Henry the 8th and Napoleon Bonaparte. During World War II, the prime bad clowns were Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Emperor Hirohito and Joe Stalin.

Now, the clown line-up continues with the rag-headed, whiskered ayatollahs, including the late and unlamented Osama bin Laden. Today’s most murderous clown, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un, would need no make-up to star in the circus. And, unfortunately, performing daily right in the middle ring is our own fearless, orange-wigged, twittering leader of the free world.

History’s 10 Most Stupid Decisions To Start A War

1812: Napoleon invades Russia
1876: Custer attacks the Sioux Tribe
1941: Germany invades Russia
1941: Japan attacks the USA
1950: USA sends troops to Korea
1961: USA sends volunteers to Cuba
1965: USA sends troops to Vietnam
2001: USA sends troops to Afghanistan
2003: USA sends troops to Iraq
2017: USA bombers attack Syria

Stay tuned for possibly more incredibly nutcase acts of war: USA sends troops to Syria, North Korea and/or Iran. Let’s just call it Operation USA Deja Vu All Over Again

And You Thought Selfies Were A Recent Invention

You didn’t read about it in school, or maybe you slept through those classes. However, recent graphic evidence proves that selfies recorded some of the most important events in history. These truly authentic pictures prove without a doubt that smartphones were there long before your selfie stick took that blurry photo of you and smirking pals at the beach.