Tag Archives: United Airlines

Humor: How To Make A Lot Of Quick Money

Of course, to make a living, your parents told you to be successful you had to stay awake in school. Also be respectful, comb your hair and brush your teeth. Now in my 90s, I finally realize there are other much more effective ways to get rich. Here are some:

1. Get your sorry ass dragged off a United flight and hire a crooked lawyer.

2. Take a baby buggy aboard an American Airlines flight and get hit by attendant.

3, While innocently rioting in the streets and looting stores, get shot by a cop.

4. If a woman, entice a horny Bill: O’Reilly, Clinton and/or Cosby, hire a crooked lawyer and earn a lot of $10,000 Bills.

5. Write make-money-from-home scam ads with horrible English grammar and post online.

6. Dress up as a phony Disney character and panhandle on NYC’s Broadway or LA’s Hollywood Boulevard.

7. Put on a ragged old army uniform, hire a cute little kid and soulful dog. Look pitiful and beg in front of Trump Tower.

8. Marry a future president with billions of bucks and hire a crooked (is there any other kind?) divorce lawyer to get millions of bucks.

9. Get good at a school playground ballgame as a kid, better as a teen and then sign a major league contract for multi-millions of bucks.

10. Squawk angry gutter language into a mike and marry a Kardashian.

United Airlines: Giant Rabbit Frozen & Cremated

As if United doesn’t have enough troubles with human passengers, the airline is now facing big legal problems because of a deceased big bunny passenger. Simon, a Continental Giant rabbit, was flying from London to Chicago.

He was scheduled to compete in a world’s biggest bunny competition at the Iowa State Fair, but the four-foot-long Simon won’t make it. According to United employees, he was mistakenly locked in a freezer after arrival at Chicago, and possibly froze to death. Making the situation more serious, his body was then dumped into an incinerator.

Of course, the chilled and cremated bunny tragedy will now be the subject of yet another lawsuit against the troubled airline. In the future, could some intense rubbing of a rabbit’s foot help bring good luck to United both in the air and courtroom?

United Airlines: Coffee, Tea Or Drag Yer Ass Outa Here

The unfortunate passenger never got his chance to fly the so-called friendly skies. Three company thugs with badges beat and hauled the bloodied guy off the flight. His crime: He refused to give up his seat so that another company thug could fly in it.

Hey, Unfriendly Skies of United: Are you familiar with the term sue your ass off? In later news, one result of the violent action is a huge drop in United stock market value, with an immediate loss of $900 million. Gee, hope there’s enough left to pay the bloody passenger and his lawyers.