112-Year-Old Woman Says Longevity = No Coffee

As the Pittsburgh PA senior celebrated her birthday, she claimed she never drinks the stuff. This 92-year-old youngster agrees. I’ve always hated the smell and taste of the dank liquid, and always avoid coffee. There was just one time I tried it way back during my World War II Navy days.

Aboard ship one cold night I had the dog watch on deck. That’s from midnight to 4 am, and I needed something warm to fight the chill. A mess cook brought me a steaming cup of black, no sugar coffee. I took a sip, gagged, then poured the rest of it over the side into the ocean.

Never touched the smelly stuff since. Hmm. Thinking now of how to celebrate my 112th birthday. Maybe with a steaming cup of hot chocolate.

Havana, Cuba: U.S. Diplomat Eardrums Blasted By Electronics

Spies and counterspies are still trying to figure out if there was a deliberate attempt recently to injure our guys in Havana. The sound is described as a super-loud screech that causes nausea, pain, disorientation and yearning to get the hell out of the sneaky Commie nation.

For appropriate revenge, I suggest a similar horrifying noise be blasted continuously against Cuban diplomat ears now on duty in the U.S. Consider any annoying:

TV commercials starring Flo, Energizer Bunny, Geico Gecko or local used car pitchman
Hillary and/or Donald squawking political speech
TV commercials selling snake oil meds and cable subscriptions
Ear-splitting rock band performance
Kardashian family members screeching gossip
Roseanne Barr screaming the National Anthem
Yapping home team fans in the stands as visiting QB calls signals

Halloween: Create Contemporary Correct Costumes

If you were a kid again and had the opportunity to choose the most effective and timely holiday dress-up, here are some ideas:
Donald Trump: Orange wig and plastic pouty lips
Kim Jong-un: Fat suit and goofy haircut
Kardashian: Skimpy skirt with enormous butt pillow
NFL athlete: Football uniform with kneeling pads
Harvey Weinstein: Drooling octopus with eight grasping tentacles
Girl Scout: Boy Scout uniform

Austria: Fresh-faced 31-year-old Elected Chancellor

Just imagine youthful Sebastian Kurz’ awe-inspiring inauguration speech (translated from German):

As I assume this great office, I want my Mommy and Daddy to be proud of me, also my little dog Spot and kitten Fluffy. And for their support and giggles, I must also thank my Austrian neighborhood playmates, Hansel, Gretel, Goldilocks, Rapunzel, Heidi and all the others.

Because of my serious chancellor duties and other boring stuff, I’ll miss the fun we had. Of course, when my official duties permit and the politicians aren’t looking, I’ll sneak out and do some merry go round, see-saw and play tag with the other kids.

Renaming Of Places Honoring Old Rebs Continues

Now it’s a politically-correct Texas high school that had been named for Robert E. Lee. However, instead of just dumping the general’s name, the local officials came up with a clever way to ace out the general while keeping a bit of his memory. Now, the school is the Legacy of Educational Excellence. Get it? L.E.E.

So, what will happen several generations into the future, when politically-correct protesters want to erase the names of other controversial past leaders? Can we expect a school in an area populated by many documented and undocumented immigrant kids to be renamed The Really Unusual Melting Pot? Get it?

Spooky Halloween At Day Of The Dead In Hollywood

The event is scheduled at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery on Saturday, October 28, 2017, from noon to midnight. Join the costumed crowds and all the other Halloween decor to celebrate the annual Dia de Los Muertos.

Enjoy live music, art exhibits, crafts, vendors, and Mexican food. Visit the final resting places of many of Tinsel Town’s most famous stars. You’ll find markers for Mickey Rooney, Douglas Fairbanks Sr. and Jr., Tyrone Power, Rudolph Valentino and many others.

Free admission for seniors until 4 pm, general admission $20. 6000 Santa Monica Blvd., Los Angeles CA 90038, http://www.ladayofthedead.com